At this phase, I think it may be time. I am eager to break out of my shell and do things that I haven’t done before. I don’t mean being adventurous in an adrenaline driven sense and jumping out of an airplane. I mean taking little steps to reach out and be more involved in my everyday world. I am a very reserved, shy and private person and I keep to myself. I don’t mind anyone else’s business. To me being in someone else’s business, low key feels like judging. Because there is something with all of us. That just leaves you wide open for someone to be in yours. Glass Houses! No thank you! Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love people. We are all beautiful and all have specialized gifts, abilities or talents. I just really don’t like crowds and don’t like being around a lot of people at once. I honestly could just be alone in the dark. Probably for weeks at a time. Living buried within darkness and loving it. I wouldn’t describe it as an agoraphobic type of thing, or maybe it is. But rather a preference and brings me comfort. But the time spent with loss of light, from having closed my blackout curtains, doesn’t happen that often for me. Because of course I must go out into the outside world, just about every day.
Starting this blog is very uncomfortable for me. The vulnerability and exposure. Expressing myself unfiltered can unintentionally display a weakness, without even being aware. So, from starting this blog, I have to believe, I will gain strength and a sense of power for being bold enough to do so. But I’m doing it. So, all these little odd eccentricities and traits that I have, with my irrational thoughts and silenced yet extreme emotions, will just have to be accepted for what they are. As I must accept myself for who I am.
I rarely sleep restfully or for more than a few hours at a time. On top of that my brain never really turns off and it’s constantly running. And sometimes it runs ferociously wild and out of control. I’m excited about releasing and sharing. This is something I can write about at 3:30am.
I invite you to send your stories in so I can post them here. I enjoy reading your stories and I feel like I’m transformed and I get so inspired, as I read them. You know, sometimes when I’m reading a true story as someone else has lived it, I feel like I’m right there with you, re-living those times and moments with you. As I read through your story, I’m amazed at how much you have to say, and what you experienced. Because every day we encounter something. It might seem like something really small to you. But that same thing could be so pivotal, or reminiscent to someone else. I often think that I am different and odd, and that very few people understand me. I just feel that way. But, you know, that’s really not important if somebody else understands me. Because it matters not, and won’t change anything. But hopefully they are not judging and scrutinizing everything I do or hating me for what I do, how I do it and for who I am. Yes, I do go to the extreme. I don’t really mean somebody would just hate me for meeting me, or maybe some actually would. But when you’re a person like I am, who thinks deeper into everything, your mind wanders and goes crazy always with the worst thoughts, rather than the best.
I jump from subject to subject and start one thing and I have to circle back around to finish it. Because I take the roundabout way to get from point A to point B. Maybe it’s because I love scenery, so my thought process is the same way. I don’t need to rush. I don’t look for any quick answers. I look at the whole problem, take it apart, put it back together again, take notes on how I did it, and only then am I somewhat confident that I’d be able to repeat it, precisely.
I’m looking for each of my experiences to last within the entire time frame that is required for revelation of explanation. To put the puzzle of my life together that is in front of me. So, I can find where each piece goes, as I learn how to fit all the pieces together.
So today begins a new pattern. I am sharing a part of myself with you. I am encouraged, we’ll see how this goes. I’m so glad and thankful that you are here. Because, no matter what we think, we do need one another.
All for now, until the next day…